Friday, July 29, 2005

Being There is NOT Being There...

Recently I’ve been taxed to a limit, and I broke. I have spent over 12 weeks now, every one of them on the road to some destination. usually, my single serving friends are on flights between seattle, LA, or the ‘nerd bird’ flights to santa clara at 5:30 in the morning, typically 3-4 hours after I went to bed. at first one things this is exciting, an adventure. its something to look forward to., the excitement of new destinates and new places….but it takes its toll. after these few weeks (and a few more weeks of this schedule)….my life has started to unravel. but I also notice something else, an ability I have gained through age and experience to identify the problem and solution at hand. the traveling must go down. I am losing myself. and I wonder about all the other people who spend all their time in the air….who are they now, and what may they be running from? for if it has effected me this much, to the point that I can feel the darkening of my soul…..do the others feel it too? and what about the toll on the relationships around…does it speak to their strength or their weakness, both of the individual and the relationship, to sustain such a bludgeoning?

and I can see it, sitting right before me is one of those decisions…door #1 holds more travel, more ‘career growth’ and more exposure. door #2 holds those things I hold dear that its so easy to lose a grip on in these times. people close to me have noticed my absence, and notice it myself. BEING THERE IS NOT BEING THERE, and that was the creeping sensation I have been feeling on my back. but I know when I look into her eyes, that my absence has taken a toll, and is changing things in ways I do not want. and so I must fix it.

so I made some decisions over the weekend, on my trip to the water rafting town of Maupin, Oregon. and I made a few more on my trip to the ghost town in the eastern Oregon desert. and on the trip to seattle. I am appreciative of this time to contemplate my mistakes, for it will allow me to minimize them in the future.

I will take my priorities seriously: these are my friends, my family, and most of all those who depend on me. i love my work and would like to continue to do it constructively. and I must grow in new ways, ways that I have neglected, and this will allow both my relationships and my work to flourish in the way i desire.

I am glad I was raised the way I was….and to a large degree moved by heroes in hollywood. we can all choose who and what to worship, and contrary to popular belief they do give us things to aspire to along with the rest of the junk they toss at middle america. its about the courage and willingness to fight the odds of Rocky, the ability to perceive deeper in Dune, vice in excess in Requiem for a Dream, belief in the seemingly impossible in Creator. these things all burn inside you, like tattoos on your soul, and they shape you for the future. later, you recall these moments of time, these snapshots, and draw upon them for decisions that you must make as a man.

2 comments:

kim said...

whoah! Dude! too deep!

Excessive travel can wear on you. Don't let it get you down. Look on the bright side - you have an excuse to use that funky phone a lot :-)

Anyhow, take a breather and count to ten. If the travel gets you up to Seattle at some point, let's grab some dinner & drinks.

K

william said...

you need a beer